The NPH Guide To The Perfect Wedding Toast — In Mad Libs Form!

This guide to the ultimate wedding toast is from a very special Wedding Issue of Wondercade, which ran back in 2022. The email included a modern day-guide to bachelor(ette) parties and help on how to navigate wedding dress codes with Neil’s stylist, Sam Spector. Now, pour yourself a glass of champagne and enjoy this toast from the ultimate host!

Hello everyone, _________(ADJECTIVE) evening. My name is __________ (YOUR NAME) and I’m __________ (EMOTION) to be here. Some of you may know me as __________ (YOUR NICKNAME/A MAMMAL THAT WEIGHS LESS THAN 35 POUNDS). For those that don’t, I’ve been __________(BRIDE/GROOM #1’s NAME) __________ (ADJECTIVE) friend ever since we met back at __________ (NAME OF COLLEGE/NAME OF FEDERAL PRISON).

Before we kick things off, let’s __________(ADVERB) raise our glasses to __________ (PERSON PAYING FOR THE WEDDING/RANDOM BILLIONAIRE) for footing the bill for this affair. And by “affair,” I mean this wedding, not __________(NAME OF EITHER GROOM/BRIDE’S GRANDPARENT)’s tryst with the __________ (TYPE OF OCCUPATION) wearing the __________ (COLOR) outfit and __________ (ADJECTIVE) smile at table 4. To those of you who have traveled as far as __________ (NAME OF A FOREIGN COUNTRY/NEARBY PLANET), welcome! We’re glad you’re here. And while you’re here, be sure to check out the splendor that is __________ (LOCAL ATTRACTION/NAME OF GROOMSMAN). As for the rest of the out-of-towners, you’re a testament to just how far people will travel for __________ (NAMES OF COUPLE/NAME OF CHEAP WHISKEY). 

They say in marriage one party is the __________ (BODY PART/JUNGLE ANIMAL) and the other party is the __________ (ANOTHER BODY PART/SEA ANIMAL), but for anyone who knows __________ (BRIDE/GROOM #1’s NAME), they are a __________ (YET ANOTHER BODY PART/AMPHIBIAN) through and through. But that’s why we __________ (TYPE OF EMOTION) them. And at the same time, it’s for that reason — and many more — that I have no idea what __________ (BRIDE/GROOM #2’s NAME) sees in their partner. Sorry, __________ (BRIDE/GROOM #2’s NAME), it’s too late now. You’re already hitched. But seriously, __________ (BRIDE/GROOM #1) and I have been like family for as long as I can remember. Given the amount of __________ (TYPE OF WINE/NAME OF A CLASS C NARCOTIC) I’ve consumed this evening, that memory is somewhat limited.

But enough about __________ (NAMES OF COUPLE), let’s talk about this beautiful wedding party. Or as I like to call them, the __________ (AFFECTIONATE GROUP NAME/NAME OF 1980s BAND)! If anyone wasn’t sure if __________ (BRIDE/GROOM #1) was marrying up, one look at the folks who stood up next to them during the ceremony, versus those who stood up for their new spouse should put that to __________ (PIECE OF FURNITURE).

Enough with the __________ (ADJECTIVE) jokes. Let’s get serious. __________ (NAMES OF COUPLE), you two are a(n) __________ (NOUN) to all of us, your __________ (ADJECTIVE) love shows us that anything is possible. So let us __________ (ADVERB) raise a glass to __________ (NAMES OF COUPLE)  and wish them to a long and __________ (ADJECTIVE) life in one another’s __________ (BODY PART)s.