Cupid Interviews Neil Patrick Harris & David Burtka!
The god of love himself sits down for a Q&A that quizzes how well Neil and David know each other
Greetings. As the 14th of February is just five days away, it seems fortuitous that I, Cupid himself, has agreed to write, moderate and oversee this very letter of news. Or at least this first, hilarious interview in Wondercade. Yes, I, Cupid — known to the Greeks as Eros, the handsome god of love, but to most as a winged, soft bodied man-child with a love-bow, now stand before you. Well, I’m not really standing, I’m more floating and flapping, and you’re not really in front of me, but this MacBook Pro is mad impressive. But I fly-gress, as my reason for holding Wondercade court is decreed as thus:
Every single year since my creation in 800 B.C. (which, as you may not know, stands for “Benedict Cumberbatch”), I, Cupid — whom Hesiod described as one of the primeval cosmogonic deities born of the world egg — choose a single couple wedded in matrimonial bliss, and test their loverly mettle. I pose a series of queries, and if the duo can answer more correct than not, their love will be deepened even further through this magic arrow that I shoot into their hindquarters. This couple to receive year’s queries has been chosen, and is to be Neil Patrick of the Harris’s and David Michael of the long line of Polish Burtkas.
As these wedded men (how modern!) have now materialized before me, the queries shall commence.
CUPID: Good day, gentlemen.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS: Sup.
DAVID BURTKA: Hello Cupid.
CUPID: Let the Twenty Twenty Two Annualover’s Five Question Challenge commence!
DAVID: Catchy title.
NEIL: Ah, so it’s five questions. Best three out of five and we win. We got this, Davey.
CUPID: SILENCE! Your speaking out of turn is heresy….
DAVID: Harris-ee? You don’t know how right you are, Cupid.
CUPID: Neil, you shall go first: Who was your partner’s first kiss?
NEIL: Oooh, um, I know this. I think. It was a girl, eww, in Michigan, from drama camp? The Peanut Butter Players, if memory serves? Umm, oh wait! I remember! It was Sutton Foster! Your first kiss was with Tony Award-winner, multi-hyphenate Sutton Foster! Man, you really do have a type ….
DAVID: It’s true! And now she’s off kissing Hugh Jackman on the nightly. Lucky girl.
CUPID: SILENCE! You answered correctly. The next question goes to the dashing David, and it is thus: What will your drip of a husband say is the most romantic place you’ve ever been together?
NEIL: Umm, you seem to be picking favorites, Baby Archer…
DAVID: It’s fine, Neil, I know this. We got married in the exquisite countryside of northern Italy, in Perugia, so that’s an easy choice for you!
NEIL: Ummm…
CUPID: INCORRECT! Neil never noticed your nuptials….
NEIL: Nice wordplay.
CUPID: … and instead chose the Tahitian resort of Le Taha’a. Ha ha’a!
NEIL: It’s true, baby. Much as I loved our wedding, it was also stressful, and I far prefer sunny snorkeling in a speedo to tense toasting in a tux.
CUPID: Nice wordplay.
DAVID: It was a great New Year’s vacation, but come on, our weddi…
CUPID: SILENCE! One right, one wrong. The tides of love may have shifted. Neil, question three is for you, and it’s one I’ve asked for countless centuries: What would David say is the best Spotify playlist to hump to?
NEIL: Umm, really? The “best”? That seems a bit subjective, no? I mean, we pick music based on the mood, the vibe … there isn’t really a singular, “best”….
CUPID: And yet you must choose.
NEIL: Ok, well, last time we just hit random on my Soundtracks Fo Shaggin’ playlist, which is songs from:
- The Dark Knight Rises
- Winter’s Bone
- Free Willy
- Big Daddy
- Inside Man
- Holes
- Easy Rider
- Bend it Like Beckham
- The Sitter
- Gone in 60 Seconds
So, I guess…that?
CUPID: INCORRECT! The future loss of love looms large! David’s favorite randy playlist is “Trent Reznor”.
DAVID: C’mon, Neil. You’re better than this. Nine Inch? Nails?
NEIL: Yeah, that makes sense.
CUPID: SILENCE! One more inaccuracy, and your love is doooomed! Forever! Lightning Crash! Oh wait, that’s Zeus’ thing, Bow String Twang! That sound was less effective, but moving on … Question four: David Michael Handsome, this one is for you!
NEIL: Is Cupid hitting on my husba…
CUPID: What is the least romantic thing Neil does in the bedroom?
NEIL: Okay, no, you know what? I don’t need him to….
DAVID: That’s easy: he snores! Oh man, does he snore! Used to drive me mental. But now that I got those Bose Sleepbuds, it’s not a bother. And yes, that’s a plug. For my ears.
CUPID: CORRECT! Well well, it seems we are all tied up. Your future relies upon the answer to this final interrogative. Neil Patrick Scares Us, are you ready?
NEIL: Do I have a choice?
CUPID: SILENCE! Here is your question: What is your and David’s love language?
NEIL: …
CUPID: ..?
NEIL: …
DAVID: ?!?
NEIL: That’s it? That’s the question? Do I get options? Is it multiple choice?
CUPID: Nope.
NEIL: Well, this is terrible! I don’t even know how to begin to answer “What is our love language?” What does that even mean, Stupid Cupid? What an absolutely open-ended, super-generic, destined-to-be-wrong question! Love language? Umm, Castilian? Cornish? Xhosa? What kind of moronic question is … maybe I should say Netflix? We spend a lot of time doing that together! Or perhaps silence?? As parents we both love that! I hate this, and Wondercade is MY newsletter, why am I even having to answer this stu—
DAVID: Dude, just pick something. I have to finish cooking dinner.
NEIL: Ooh, is it bolognese?
CUPID: CORRECT! Your love language is bolognese. The dish your delicious David most loves to cook, and you most love to eat. The dish he referenced in his wedding vows to you. The dish he chooses to eat before death by electrocution. Congratulations, you have won. Well played. May your love last forever. I, Cupid — son of Nyx and Erebus; or Aphrodite and Ares; or Iris and Zephyrus; or even Aphrodite and Zeus, depending on whom you ask — is out. Cupid out. Peace!
DAVID: Yay! You did it!
NEIL: Well, you helped.
DAVID: True. Now help me pull this arrow out of my butt.
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